rollercoaster

i am on a wild rollercoaster ride right now. except...i don't know how long the ride is. i don't know how high or low it'll get. i don't know where the twists and turns are. i don't have the slightest idea what's going to happen next. so i can only hold on to the ride. but i am beginning to wonder...how long can I hold on to it?

i need to shut my mouth too. everyone is having a hard time, and i don't know how many times my words might have hurt another person who is trying as hard - if not harder - than i am. Not only is she trying to hold on to the ride herself, but she's trying to save us all from falling out at the same time.
and yet i can still be ungrateful. i just feel like a jerk sometimes. (and truth be told, i probably am a big jerk at times).

Posted 8:45 PM by hiu k.

an event, a ramble

something happened in recent days that alter my life...and i am feeling tired, frustrated, and a slew of other emotions.

i could wish that things were back to the way they were. i could wish that none of this has happened. and i could think that if i could have or should have done something, then maybe this wouldn't have happened. (yes, guilt is also a very normal and natural emotion). but it doesn't matter now. it's a little late for it now. and what i can do - and the only thing i can really do right now - is to hang in there. i am trying to do the best i can. this isn't easy. this is probably one of the most difficult times in my life, and crying or whining about it won't solve anything. i just have to keep reminding myself that "what doesn't kill me can only make me stronger". yet, it's also frustrating. just when there is a little progress, something would tip it around so that we'd be back on square one...

people say that things happen for a reason. but i don't want to listen to rationale right now. i don't want to listen to logic. i know what's rational and logical, and i don't like it right now. it doesn't help me to "feel" better. sure, i can sprout all those philolosophies (and i can say it very convincingly), but right now, they are all useless. completely useless. things are obviously easier to say if one is not involved (emotional or otherwise).

right now, one of the things that i need most is to be patient. that's something that i need to remind myself, especially during this time, because i know that's the best way that i can help.

Posted 10:45 AM by hiu k.